How To Talk To Your Elderly Family Members About Estate Planning—Without Starting A Fight

Estate planning is essential. You need the right plan in place to protect yourself, your finances, and your family. Open communication is a key part of effective estate planning, whether it is between you and your attorney, or between you, as the adult child and your elderly parent, or, you and your adult children. With that being said, having the estate planning conversation is not always easy. At Fisher Law LLC, we want to make sure that you have the tools and resources that you need to develop the best plan. Here, our Boston estate planning attorney highlights four best practices for having the estate planning conversation with your family—without starting a big fight.

Best Practice #1: Start Early (Conversations are Tough During a Crisis) 

The best time to start talking about estate planning with your family is “now”—meaning as soon as possible. It is easier to have an open, honest, and productive conversation about estate planning during calm times. You do not want to have to have the conversation for the first time during a crisis. Emotions can run high. Starting the estate planning conversation early gives everyone a chance to digest the information, ask questions, and prepare their own affairs. 

Best Practice #2: Lead With Legacy, Not Legalese 

As a general rule, you do not want to start an estate planning conversation by whipping out a bunch of complicated legal paperwork. The time for that, if it comes, is later. Instead, it is best to lead with your purpose. Talk about what matters most— values, family memories, and the kind of legacy you or your loved one would hope to leave behind. Framing estate planning as a way to protect what is meaningful softens defenses and opens ears. 

Best Practice #3: Be Ready to Share Your Ideas and Respond to Questions/Concerns 

If it is your estate plan, it is your chance to control what happens to your estate, that is, who will inherit your assets and who will be the person(s) responsible for winding up your affairs. You have the power. At the same time, the initial estate planning conversation with your family is usually not the best time to come across as the CEO. Instead, it is usually a better approach to share your ideas, explain your reasoning, and answer questions from your family. People want to feel heard—especially when emotions and inheritance are involved. Keeping the floor open to questions and concerns can make things a lot easier for you and your family.   If the discussion is about estate planning for an elderly parent, it is important to share your concerns or outline a set of “what if’s”.  What if you die without a Will?  What if you do not have a health care proxy, who do you want to make health care decisions for you?  Who will pay your bills if you are incapacitated?  Do you want a DNR?  Do you want to be cremated or buried? 

Best Practice #4: Fairness is a Great Goal, but You Have Control (Focus on Understanding) 

Estate planning is far more than just a math equation. Splitting everything “evenly” does not always mean “fairly.” Maybe one child has greater needs, or someone took on the caregiving role. Fairness is a great goal. At the same time, you have control over your decisions, as they relate only to your estate plan design.   When communicating your design and decisions with your children, you should try to be transparent about your reasons. Your family may disagree—but they are less likely to resent you and other family members who may have received more if they understand where you are coming from. 

Consult With a Boston Estate Planning Attorney Today

At Fisher Law LLC, our Massachusetts estate planning lawyers handle the full range of issues—from wills and trusts to powers of attorney and advance directives. Give us a phone call now or contact us online to set up a fully confidential consultation. With an office in Norwood, we provide estate planning services throughout the Greater Boston area.